I rarely think of Evie as a "special needs" kid. I think it just seems like such a dramatic label to apply to someone who is able to do so much (not to mention the simple fact that it is indeed a label). But when I stop to think about it, it really is an appropriate description. I can't just let Evie play and read to her and she will learn all she needs to learn. The simple act of getting her to cruise takes a concentrated effort on both our parts.
She had her physical therapy today and some days I come away encouraged; other days (like today) I'm left with discouragement, frustration, self-condemnation and the desire for a good long pity-party. I feel so inadequate for this task. I can barely figure out being a mommy, much less a mommy caring for Evie's special needs. My inner monologue goes something like this: you don't do the PT stuff enough with her; if you did, she could walk by now; you should be spending more concentrated time with her during the day (instead of cleaning or running errands), you're not being observant enough (I feel this one especially strongly on PT days because Lori (her PT) will ask me all kinds of questions like "when she drinks from a straw, does she hold the cup with both hands?" which not only do I not know the answer to, but I'm guessing I probably just hold the cup for her so she won't drop it to the floor which leads to another thought: You do too much stuff for Evie so she's not gonna be able to do things for herself (Which I HATED as a Kindergarten teacher, thinking "teach your kid how to tie their shoes, zip their coat,etc).
I know that I do some things right. I know I have good days and bad days. Some days I just really wish I was better at juggling all my different jobs more efficiently. I wish wonderful things for my daughter and I would hate for her road block to success to be...ME! Thanks for letting me vent.
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6 comments:
You are a wonderful mom and exactly the perfect mom for Evie according to God who chose to give her to YOU! Hang in there! Funny, I have some of the same guilt you describe. So, as I type, I'm going to try to swallow the encouragment I offer to you. God is with us even in the darkest, most isolating moments that come along with the joys, sorrows and frustrations of parenting. I'm praying for you, friend.
I'll always remember our pastor saying that in the absence of trials, he questions if God trusts him enough to deal with those trials. God knew exactly what He was doing when he brought Evie into your home. I truly believe he gave you such a huge responsibility because he fully trusts that you will faithfully persevere through it, that you will be an enormous blessing to Evie, and that others will clearly see how your family clings to Him in the midst of it all. Evie is LUCKY to have you both as parents, and you are a wonderful mother to her!
I too just want to encourage you friend! You are a GREAT mom and do an AMAZING job with Evie! Never doubt that. Keep trusting HIM!
Perhaps "Lori" should send you home with a list of questions instead of putting you in this frustrating situation of having to remember them on the spot. I mean, please! Why would anybody waste brain space remembering random details like that without a good reason?
As far as we are concerned, you are supermom...and Evie hit the jackpot with you guys.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I never think of Evie as a "special needs" child either. She is such a sweetheart and is learning to do everything, just on her own time. Don't beat yourself up. We all blame ourselves for different things and we all do the best we can. God gave Evie to you and you to Evie because you are the perfect person to be her mother.
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